


Blessed to Be Again

by ReignitedN7



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Pregnancy, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Loss, F/M, M/M, Miscarriage, Rainbow, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 15:10:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11164473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReignitedN7/pseuds/ReignitedN7
Summary: She maybe Pathfinder...but no matter how much they try, no matter how much they want it...some things are just not meant to be.





	Blessed to Be Again

**Author's Note:**

> [Trigger warning: child loss]
> 
> I dedicate this chapter to all the mother's who have lost children or were never able to conceive. My love is with you.

“Jaal,” Lexi said as she struggled to keep up with the angara. His larger legs carried him twice her pace and he did not stop for her. Undeterred was his path towards the Pathfinder’s quarters—Sara’s quarters. Their quarters. A place where they have come to rest together, make love together…and mourn together.  “Jaal!” Lexi made to grab his rofjin but he merely shrugged her off. 

The two rounded the research center and before the asari doctor could stop him, the angara took one calculated step and dropped to the second level. Lexi scrambled across the walkway to the ladders and slid down just quick enough to block the Pathfinder’s door.

“Jaal!” Lexi nearly shouted as the angara finally came to a halt before her. The doctor swallowed thickly as she took in his hardened face—something she hadn’t experienced since first meeting Jaal.  His head was lowered with lips set in a thin line. His eyes narrowed down at her. Eyes that began to shine with unshed tears.

Lexi slowly lifted her hand from the door, palm forward, and gently placed it on his shoulder. Jaal shivered from the contact before rapidly blinking his eyes. Heavy fat tears streamed down his face. He looked at the doctor again, eyes wide and wet. 

“It...it can’t be true,” Jaal finally spoke with a cracked voice. He lifted his large hands before him in a pleading gesture. His lips trembled as he drew in a breath. “Not again.” 

 

Before the asari doctor could respond, a loud crash rang across the closed door. The two aliens stared in silence before Jaal raised his omnitool. “Jaal no!” Lexi began as she held her arms out to Jaal. His eyes flicked back up from his omni tool and needled the asari with a glare. The doctor glared back and grit her teeth. Friend or not, Sara was still her priority.

“Sara is emotionally unstable--she’s going into shock!” she spoke in measured tones. Jaal’s omnitool was still raised but his fingers had paused over the keys. “SAM is assessing her condition--easing her pain,”

“By what means?” Jaal cut in sharply. “What could an AI provide that her own taoshey could not?” fresh tears poured from his large blue eyes. They ran down his cheeks and dripped from his chin. “Let me in.” 

Another crash sounded from the room. This time the shatter sounded like glass. Jaal stepped forward and crowded the asari--but Lexi would not yield. 

“Jaal, please try to understand,” Lexi braced her hands against Jaal’s broad shoulders in an attempt to hold him off. “By having you walk in there--Jaal her anguish in seeing you could severely damage her.”

Jaal growled and shoved her hands off him.

“I cannot begin to understand how I could possibly harm my taoshey in this time of need!” he shouted at her before throwing a punch into the door--right next to Lexi’s head. “Step. Aside.” he warned. 

Lexi glared with her teeth bared. She quickly brought up her omnitool and tapped a few commands before--

 

_ [Dr. Teperro. Jaal] _ SAM’s voice spoke through their communicators.  _ [Sara wishes to see her husband] _

 

“SAM I don’t think--” Lexi tried to interject but was roughly pushed aside. A flick of his eyes was Jaal’s only apology before he rushed into the room. 

 

The room was dark, unusually dark, with the starry void beyond the windows providing what little light shone from the stars. But the darkness hid nothing from the angara’s eyes. 

Jaal gasped softly.

The room was destroyed. Jaal surveyed the knocked over items and ripped up bed sheets strewn across the floor. Desk items had been shoved off and thrown across the room to be shattered while the few potted plants they had were knocked over and their leaves ripped to shreds. He stepped further into the room.

“Sara?” he whispered, eyes still searching for her form. The room remained still before a small figure crawled forward from the opposite side of the bed. Jaal crossed the room in three strides before dropping to his knees. His hands trembled as he reached for his wife but instead of touching they hovered just above her. 

Her small body was curled into itself--arms wrapped around her stomach, legs pressed against her chest with her head tucked between her knees. Had his superior hearing not picked up her breathing, he would of taken her for dead.

His eyes roamed over her with hands still hovering. Could he touch her? He wanted to take her into his arms and hold her close. It was the doctor’s warnings that made him hesitate. Perhaps it wasn't the best to rush in like this...but he would not leave her. No force in the galaxy would remove him from her side.

_ “Taoshey.” _ he breathed softly. “Please...what can I do? What do you need?” in the back of his mind, he remembered a time when those words were offered to him. He remembered the kindness behind them, but it was the feeling of loss and sorrow that had won over his emotions. 

“Speak to me,” he pleaded, voice cracking under his anguish “Sara.” 

Slowly, Jaal reached out and touched her shoulders. When she didn’t move away, his hands traveled over her shoulders and up the thin column of her neck before tilting her head up with his fingers. For a moment Jaal felt relief that she remained pliable under his touch...until their eyes locked...did his heart stop. 

 

Jaal found it amusing that Sara adored his eyes--proclaiming they held the galaxy within them. During his lifetime he’d seen many galaxies ranging in size and color. There was a time when their beauty would steal his breath and leave him in awe. That was until a visit to the Cultural Center introduced him to Earth’s oceans--specifically the Caribbean. 

Jaal had never seen an ocean before. Vivid blues and greens combined in gentle warm water.

 

The same vivid blues and greens that reflected in Sara’s eyes had turned hollow as she stared back at him. 

 

Jaal’s mouth hung open as he assessed his wife’s condition. Her once golden brown skin was ashen and blotchy. Her face was soaked in tears that continued to run down in rivers. Her full lips were dry and bleeding from cracking. Or from her biting them. 

But it was her eyes that held his sorrow. Wet and swollen, they seemed to look into his own eyes, and yet he felt like she was looking right through him. 

They sat in silence before Jaal caught her lips moving ever so slightly.

“What? Sara...you must speak louder.” he coaxed gently. Sara’s lips parted further as she drew in a shuddering breath. 

 

“I’m broken.” 

 

Slowly, Sara unfolded her legs and instead crossed them akimbo. Her arms remained tight around her abdomen as she leaned forward, head dipping down. Jaal shook his head and steadied her before she could cave in on herself again. 

He grit his teeth against the pricking sensation in his eyes. Each shuddering breath she took, every tear she shed was a dagger to his heart. He couldn’t stand it.

Jaal tore off his gloves and gauntlets before wrapping his arms around his wife’s form and pull her into his lap. He buried his face against her damp hair and eveloped his arms around her own as he sent a gentle current of bioelectricity between his skin and hers. 

Only when the current returned back to him, weakened and cold, did he fully feel the emptiness within her body. Jaal let his tears flow freely down his face as he held Sara tight against his body. 

 

_ Rahnnfaryh.  _

 

It was an angaran term that Jaal was not familiar with up until a year ago. When Jaal learned of Sara’s first miscarriage. The term became more frequent when their second round of IVF failed to take. 

 

_ Empty Womb.  _

 

IVF--in vitro fertilization. Her own eggs fertilized with selected donors since Jaal’s seed would not take naturally. It wasn’t long before the physicians recommended human donors. 

 

The procedure was unheard of to the angara. Some even considered it barbaric.  _ A woman who could not bear children? Even after clinical intervention?  _

 

Sara had stressed picking suitable donors with many nights spent weeping in his arms. He’d reassured her his blood was not what made him a father to any children she may bear--or adopt. 

 

But it seemed to be a deep rooted human instinct that defined “family” by blood alone. Jaal was determined to change these “instincts” and open herself to a family of love. Yet...after multiple “failures”...this determination began to falter. His wishes for children turned to concern for his wife. What if…?

 

“Why...why can’t I work right? I’ve done..everything,” Sara sobbed against his arm. “The pills, the injections...hormone therapy...in vitro…” her breath came in rapidly as she recalled each procedure her body endured, if only to bear a single life. 

 

_ If only. _

 

Jaal opened his mouth to speak...but what could he say?

 

_ “These things do happen” _

 

_ “It’s not the right time” _

 

_ “Maybe this is a sign?” _

 

_ “It’s a natural phenomenon,” _

 

_ “Something must have been wrong with the embryos” _

 

They’ve heard every suggestion and condolence since Sara began therapy. The words may have been soothing at one point, but now they resounded as hollow. 

 

“Sara.” 

 

“Twins,” she sobbed. “We...we had twins Jaal,” Her eyes met his, open and flowing with tears. For moments that seem to stretch for hours they sat staring at eachother. Jaal’s blood ran cold as he processed this new information. 

She had been five months along. The first and only embryo to take and survive past what humans referred to as the ‘safe zone’, or twelve weeks of gestation. In her fragile condition, Jaal and Scott had taken up scouting missions, leaving Sara on Havarl with his mother. He never saw a gestational scan.

 

“I...I wanted to surprise you. After I found out their genders--” her body began to shake “Angara actually have litters--litters! Baby after baby--all at once!” her voice began to rise. Jaal’s face scrunched with sorrow. He grit his teeth and pulled in his wife closer. They both began to rock. Sara turned and screamed into his chest. Jaal bellowed a cry and cradled her closer--his hand drifting over her stomach.

 

Though one may not understand how the universe works...the universe continues on anyway…

 

Yet...in this moment...how could the universe turn on this woman who has given her life, multiple times, in order to save it? 

 

* * *

 

 

The data pad was dropped unceremoniously onto the table. The surrounding angara paused their work and turned towards the source of the sound. Evfra sneered and snapped at them to get back to work. ‘The Resistance didn’t run itself’ he said. 

They turned away. They didn’t see his look of anguish--didn't see the dead ghost haunting his icy demeanor. 

 

_ Rahnnfaryh.  _

 

Evfra knew this term well. 

 

The Resistance leader stared down at the datapad with minutes passing by. Had any of the Resistance soldiers turned around, they would view him in quiet thought. Had they looked him in the eye…

 

Evfra folded his arms across his chest-- as if that would block the old spirit from haunting him. 

 

_ Motherless-- _

 

He didn’t want to do it. But he should. He would. He would tell her--tell them. 

 

He would not abandon Sara and Jaal...they needed to know. 


End file.
